Blinded by the darkness

I thought things were just fine the way it is. But I guess not. Things are suddenly falling apart. My world is turning upside and down. I was fooled by the lies and deprived to know the truth. I forgot not to trust everyone around me. That I should be tact. Well, I'll remind my self that every now and then.

I thought years of friendship will be enough. Well, obviously not. That fact was a slap to my face. Everything that had happened to me for the past few months is all bullshits. I do stupid things that I willingly did which makes it more stupid. I loathed people which is special to me. I find myself going back to my bad habits. My body is not functioning properly. I don't know what to do! I have no direction in life as of now. What more could I ask for to make my life miserable?

I'm so hopeless and helpless. Retreat could be a great help. I want a peace of mind. I want to sort things out and make solutions to avoid more pain. Darn! Everything seems so MISPLACED. This is not supposed to be happening. We should all be happy to live our life now. We should not be tired of the monotonous way of living our life. We should be cherishing every moment of everything because we all know that end is near.

Damn it! Everything and everybody kept on hurting everything and everybody. Are we supposed to live this way? Is this the sign of evil overpowering goodness? People kept on doing bad things now. They are not afraid of the consequences. What a stupid thing for people to follow the way the world lives!

I love you guys. I love you. And I love myself. But now, love isn't enough. We should just talk it out! Then at that time we could decide, I think.

Mia and Jesse.

I was walking in the park while eating my favorite burger, Club burger. I felt tired then I sat on the bench, beside a little girl. I ate all my burger. I sighed then I smiled. The little girl was looking at me, weirdly. I become conscious of myself. What the hell did I do that catch the little girl's attention? I said to myself.

A minute passed before the girl asked me.
"Why are you smiling?" she said.
I paused, trying to process out that she really is talking to me.
"Huh?" the best response I can give.
"Why did you smile? Is there anything funny?"
"Oh! That, why? Never seen a person smile before?"
"No. Not really. I just never saw a person smile as fake as yours"
"Wow! You're a great little observer huh. So, why does my smile look fake to you kido?"
"Because you're like my mom"
I really don't like to continue this conversation with the child but I suddenly got curious.
"Your mother loves to fake a smile?"
"She always tell us every things fine. Don't worry about it." she said while imitating her mother's voice. "Even in the worst cases in our life she always tell me that. Wearing her hypocrite smile, as if it helped me." she said with agony in her eyes.
"So your mother is a bad actress huh. I guess I am too"
"Yeah. You'll make a good club "The Hypocrites"."
I laughed. I got shy. This girl is right! I'm a hypocrite! Too good to be true!
"So, what's the history of your fake smile?" she said.
"Yeah right! I was just practicing. I wanna look good in the camera later, you know, picture taking" I smirk.
"Now you really are a bad ass lier!" she laughed.
"Hey! that's offensive. You shouldn't say those words, you're still a child!"
"Right! Look who's talking?" she laughed again.
"Yah. Maybe you're right. I am really a bad ass lier. You're a smart and a very observant little girl." I said, feeling busted. "My name is Mia" I offered a hand shake.
"My name is Jesse" she said while shaking my hand.
"So, Jesse" I smirked. "Sorry about earlier. I should be a good example"
"Stop talking to me like a child"
"Well you are"
She sighed, stopping to make a debate from me.Then, I started to explain myself.
"When you wake up in the morning wearing a smile your heart is smiling too. It's like you know happy things will happen today even without assurance. But when you frown in the morning it's like you're welcoming stupid things in your life. You're like preparing for a war to come. That's not a good way to start a day right?"
"Right. So, you're faking your smile because you know stupid things will happen today but you still pushed yourself to smile hoping it will not happen." she said sarcastically. She felt like a million puzzle pieces has been solve within a second.
"Hoping for something or even anyone is by nature you know. It's like printed on every people's forehead"
She gave me a half smile.
"Sometimes you just have to fake it. So it won't hurt that bad. It's like putting a wooden shield against a sharp steel sword" I raised my eyebrow then i thought - What a stupid thing to compare?
"I know, but sometimes it doesn't freaking help! It still hurts." she sighed then continued. "You're just lying to yourself and that's bad"
"I'm not exactly lying, I was just ..." I can't think of any words to continue with.
"Just what?"
"Nothing. You're too smart for this kido."
"I'm just good at life"
"You'll survive here, in earth" I giggled.
"I know"

Then the little girl, Jesse, vanished into thin air. She's like a bubble that suddenly pop. I felt weird. What the hell! I was talking to a ghost? I shouted at my conscience. I felt my head aching, trying to process things out. I stood up and walked away from that haunted bench. Well, not really that haunted since Jesse is kind. I breathe in and out, slowly. I was calm again. I was myself. Jesse was myself.

Pag-ibig: Salot sa Lipunan

Oh pag ibig, ano ba itong ginagawa mo?
Hindi ba't dapat saya ang dinudulot mo?
Ngunit bakit sakit at pag kukulang ang nadadama ko?
Unti unti na kong pinapatay ng pagkukulang mo!
Ayaw mo ba saakin? Ha? Kupido?
May karapatan din ba kayo pumili ng pasasayahin niyo?
Sana nga meron, ng hindi ko na nasimulan ito.

Pinilit kong maging masaya at perpekto sa mata mo
Pero hindi na kaya ng puso kong itago
Dahil durog na, durog na ang puso ko
Unti unti ng kumalat ang sakit na pinadama mo
Kumalat sa buong katawan ko!
Nanghihina na ko at malapit na sa katapusan ko.

Ayoko na sayo kupido! Sapagkat galit ang nadadama ko!
Sa tuwina'y iisipin ko ang pagmamahal
HIndi ako natutuwa! Nasasaktan ako!
Kinamumuhin kita!

it's hard to practice what you preach

i always give advices to people when they need it. telling them it's ok when they get hurt, it's ok when they got wounded and bruised because after this something good will happen. but when this things happen to me. i always feel so DOWN and im having a hard time to make myself laugh [ especially now, my patience, my patience, ugh! ] so i do crazy stuffs.

my full time sickness which is "to expect" still, is not yet cured. i guess this is the sickness i have to cure by my ownself. although, i know it will really take time. if my doctor won't come and do his surgery on me i just have to do the surgery by myself. it will really hurt, but the fact that he did'nt come or he did'nt come back to me will be my free anesthesia. an anesthesia that will last forever. an anesthesia that will paralyze me and will slowly kill me.

this smiling facade of mine will always remain and trisha will always be hidden. i will be filled of unsolved mysteries of my hidden self, my dark side. i will always remain as a mystery and only my shadows will know me, shadows of a failing heart.

you might not even know this is what im feeling, like you i was afraid. all i know is to expect and regret in the end. this is what i do for a living, sorry.

yes, im hurt. the only question i can answer straight. wounds may heal but after this what will happen next? how about the scars you made? will i disregard it? like nothing happen? seeing you or talking to you is like "im moving on everyday". i don't know what to do. i can't be expressive to you now because tears is all i get.