it's hard to practice what you preach

i always give advices to people when they need it. telling them it's ok when they get hurt, it's ok when they got wounded and bruised because after this something good will happen. but when this things happen to me. i always feel so DOWN and im having a hard time to make myself laugh [ especially now, my patience, my patience, ugh! ] so i do crazy stuffs.

my full time sickness which is "to expect" still, is not yet cured. i guess this is the sickness i have to cure by my ownself. although, i know it will really take time. if my doctor won't come and do his surgery on me i just have to do the surgery by myself. it will really hurt, but the fact that he did'nt come or he did'nt come back to me will be my free anesthesia. an anesthesia that will last forever. an anesthesia that will paralyze me and will slowly kill me.

this smiling facade of mine will always remain and trisha will always be hidden. i will be filled of unsolved mysteries of my hidden self, my dark side. i will always remain as a mystery and only my shadows will know me, shadows of a failing heart.

you might not even know this is what im feeling, like you i was afraid. all i know is to expect and regret in the end. this is what i do for a living, sorry.

yes, im hurt. the only question i can answer straight. wounds may heal but after this what will happen next? how about the scars you made? will i disregard it? like nothing happen? seeing you or talking to you is like "im moving on everyday". i don't know what to do. i can't be expressive to you now because tears is all i get.